maj 25

Lidelsens ulidelighed

Det var først da datteren brød sammen, at der kom en slags forløsning for os alle. Det skete, da de bar hans kiste ud af kirken. Indtil da havde de fleste af os siddet knuget i sorg uden rigtig at vide, hvad vi skulle gøre af den. Når en ung familiefar dør efter kort tids sygdom og efterlader sig kone og tre små børn, er det så tragisk og uvant en situation, at de færreste af os har et naturligt forhold til den. Naturligt? Kan man overhovedet bruge det ord i forbindelse med noget, der i den grad river op i en hverdag, som vi for længst har vænnet os til at styre og kontrollere i en hidtil uset grad? Ja, det synes jeg godt man kan. Faktisk synes jeg, at vi bruger det alt for lidt. Døden er jo en uafvendelig del af livet, selvom mange af os ikke rigtig har et personligt forhold til den. For eksempel er jeg 40 år gammel og jeg har aldrig stået ved nogens dødsleje. Jeg har aldrig set et menneske opgive ånden og ligge livløs tilbage.

For mig er døden stadig noget jeg med held kan holde ud i en armslængde, da jeg endnu ikke har oplevet hvad ”aldrig mere” i sin yderste konsekvens betyder. Jovist, har jeg bedsteforældre der er døde, men det skete før jeg endnu var klar over, hvor meget jeg har at miste til døden. Før jeg for eksempel selv fik børn. Eller før jeg selv nåede at knytte et frivilligt bånd til et andet menneske, som jeg antog, at jeg ville dele resten af livet med. Så nej, jeg kender ikke til den lidelse det må være at bryde sammen i en kirke, fordi døden har fået en større plads i mit hjerte end jeg havde regnet med. Derfor er døden og de lidelser den efterlader hos dem, der lever videre, helt unaturlige for mig. Og for mange andre. Vi aner simpelthen ikke, hvordan vi skal forholde os til den. Hvad siger man konen? Til barnet? De fleste vælger at sige så lidt som muligt af ren og skær forlegenhed. Vel også fordi man ikke aner, hvad man kan tilbyde af trøstende ord i så sort en situation.

Døden er så fraværende i vores kultur, at vi ikke forstår, at den giver os evnen til at føle ydmyghed og sætte glæden i relief. Vi forsøger i stedet at tie den ihjel. I en tid hvor man til respektable middagsselskaber åbent diskuterer swingersex, fødsler og diverse personlige neuroser, er døden blevet til et vores største tabuer. Af samme grund sidder vi højest og dupper øjnene til en begravelse, selvom vi måske mest af alt længes efter at smide os på gulvet, rase over livets uretfærdighed og skrige sorgen ud. Derfor forløste det os alle, da den lille pige endelig gjorde det, der var mest forståeligt: brød sammen i gråd. Hun gav os lov til at sørge åbent. Hun satte handling bag den følelse af lidelse vi alle følte og mødtes om og gav os endelig lov til at reagere. Naturligt. Og lige præcis hun havde jo også lov til at reagere så stærkt. Hun havde lidt et uerstatteligt tab. Men for nogle af os, der sad i kirken, var han ”kun” kollega eller faren til en af vores børns venner og vores ret til at sørge åbent over hans død var på sin vis langt mindre, for hvor stort var vores tab reelt set? Alligevel var den sorg, jeg følte klumpe sig sammen i brystet ægte nok. Ægte på den måde at den hele tiden mindede mig om hvilket fortvivlende tab jeg ville føle, hvis det var min mand, der lå i kisten. Hvis det var mine børns far, der aldrig mere ville løfte dem sovende ud af vores seng og ind i deres egen for at putte dem. Menneskets indfølingsevne er adgangen til vores medfølelse med andre – og den kan virke forløsende på begge parter.

Livets ulidelige lidelse slipper ingen for. Og dog lever vi som om vi kan netop det. Jeg ser med al tydelighed den tendens i vores samfund i dag. Men når jeg spørger en forsamling om der er nogen her, der har levet livet uden lidelse, er der endnu ingen der har rakt hånden op. Lidelse rimer lige så meget på livet som latter og derfor kan vi lige så godt – igen – begynde at forholde os bevidst til den, så vi vælger at bruge den til noget frugtbart.

Især forældre bør tage denne side af livet aktivt med i deres opdragelse. Som almindelig iagttager af moderne forældre og som foredragsholder ude i en lang række børneinstitutioner ser jeg gang på gang, hvordan tidens forældre strækker sig alt for langt for at vaccinere deres børn mod lidelse. Og her er der altså ikke tale om vidtrækkende lidelser som mishandling, sult, krig eller andre vægtige begivenheder, men derimod helt dagligdags situationer som ”du er dum – dig vil jeg ikke lege med”. Sikke en bjørnetjeneste man gør disse børn. For det første lyver man for dem ved at forsøge at bilde dem ind, at lidelse og livet er to modsætninger. For det andet holder man dem for nar, fordi man aldrig lærer dem at håndtere lidelsen på en konstruktiv måde.

Lad ordet ”lidelse” atter indgå i vores aktive ordforråd, så vi kan få lov til at reagere på livets sorg og smerte. Og giv os grædekonerne tilbage, så vi ikke skal være de første til at kaste en ensom tåre på smertens bål.


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