oktober 1

JP: Derfor er kvinderne bagefter

For nogle uger siden havde jeg en samtale med min ene søn om vores måde at være familie på. Og jeg gjorde, som jeg plejer, når jeg taler:

Åbnede skuffer af muligheder for at prøve at finde frem til den bedste fælles løsning. Samtidig med, at jeg gav udtryk for, hvad det var jeg ønskede.

Efter en ret frustreret samtale, hvor vi ikke nærmede os hinanden, summerede han op: ”Siger du, at det er sådan du vil have det?” Og jeg vred mig. For ja, det var sådan jeg gerne ville have det! Men samtidig var det vigtigt for mig, at løsningen blev en, som han også syntes var ok, hvilket jeg vidste, at det gjorde han bestemt ikke. Alligevel var han til sidst så forvirret over alle de muligheder, der blev præsenteret, at han ville acceptere det jeg helst ville, bare for at få en løsning på sagen. Ingen af os havde det godt bagefter og selvfølgelig er løsningen aldrig for alvor trådt i karakter.

Vores situation er et klassisk eksempel på arketypisk maskulin og feminin adfærd, som jeg hver dag kan iagttage i både private og professionelle sammenhænge. Og som er en af årsagerne til, at kvinderne stadig er bagefter på magten i samfundet.

Så hvad er problemet?

At det ene fokus (resultater) har langt højere status end det andet (relationer). Igennem mange år har jeg i flere forskellige sammenhænge været den eneste kvinde i et selskab af mænd. Både i min egen familie og i mange professionelle sammenhænge. Og det er blevet helt tydeligt for mig, at mens kvinder oftest kommunikerer i spørgsmål, for at forsøge at inkludere hinanden i samtalen (og løsningen), taler mænd i udsagn. Gang på gang har jeg oplevet, hvordan jeg bliver overhørt, hvis jeg forsøger at åbne feltet op i et selskab af mænd, mens jeg bliver respekteret og lyttet til, når jeg taler i meninger, gerne udtalt som fakta. Hvor jeg kan iagttage, at mange mænd får energi af denne dynamik, bliver jeg i stedet lettere udmattet og irriteret, for jeg føler, at jeg hele tiden bør være i gang med en kamp om positionering i gruppen, hvor den der taler med størst overbevisning og sikkerhed, også er den der vinder. Ikke bare sin egen magtposition, men også magten til løsningen.

Problemet er, at jeg sjældent er hverken interesseret i at være så skråsikker eller i at tage en vinderposition. Tværtimod er det at undersøge en situation fra flere forskellige sider og finde den bedste fælles løsning, det, der driver mig.

Lad mig understrege, at jeg ikke mener, at den feminine tilgang til at finde en løsning er bedre end den maskuline. Næh, det der ville være genialt, ville være en kombination af begge tilgange.

Desværre sker der ofte i stedet et sammenstød mellem det, jeg kalder for ”penetrationsenergi”, som er et udtryk for den der fremadrettede intentionelle eksplosive energi, der præger flere mænd end kvinder og som er både er super opløftende at være sammen med, når det fungerer godt for så rykker den vildt, og ganske udmattende at være i selskab med, når der går ego i den.

Og så det man kunne kalde for ”organisk energi”; altså en energi, som er mere åben, relationel, modtagelig, nærværende, cyklisk og i et dualistisk flow, men meget langsommere som beslutningsdygtig metode.

Mange organisationer er af historiske årsager bygget op omkring penetrationsenergien, der trives med klare KPI’ere og transparente hierarkier. Og det har medført den flertalsmisforståelse, som alt for mange administrerende direktører brokker sig over, når kvinderne forladerne arbejdspladserne lige før de når det øverste ledelsesniveau, nemlig at kvinder forlader jobbet af hensyn til familien. Men det er ikke rigtigt. Ifølge den amerikanske forsker Barbara Annis er det kun 30%. Næh, det der får kvinder til at starte deres eget firma, er at de ikke føler sig værdsatte af arbejdspladsen (68%) og at de føler sig udelukkede fra teams og beslutninger (65%).

Opsummerende viser det sig, at kvinder ganske enkelt tjekker ud, fordi de udmattes af mangel på respekt for deres virkelighed. Der er simpelthen for meget kamp om positionen, fremfor fokus på både sagen og fællesskabet.

Ingen af delene dur som bærende princip i dagens samfund, hvor kreativitet, innovation og relationer er de tre vigtigste ingredienser til at klare sig godt i et globalt marked. Til gengæld dur kombinationen. Men for at den lever godt, er det nødvendigt, at begge tilgange til arbejdet, har samme status og at organisationen derfor bygges op om den ligeværdighed. Ellers er det, at kvinderne (og de unge mænd) enten ikke gider at gøre karriere på toplederniveau eller forlader skuden. Og på den private front ser vi det ske i ægteskaber, hvor cirka ¾ af alle skilsmisser er initieret af kvinden.

De organisationer og mennesker, der kommer til at klare sig virkelig god i fremtiden er de, der er i stand til at skabe gode, varige, tillidsvækkende relationer. Og på den måde bygge fællesskaber op baseret på frivillig gensidig loyalitet, fremfor magtpositioneringer. Kreativitet og innovation er fremtidens valuta og den opstår bedst i miljøer, hvor mennesker føler sig sikre socialt og hvor der er plads til at være nysgerrig, tvivlende, åben. Det giver kvinderne en fordel. Især hvis mændene insisterer på at fastholde deres traditionelle organisationsform, hvilket – vil jeg gerne understrege – der er mange mænd, der ikke vil.

Men det bedste ville naturligvis være at lave et helligt bryllup mellem både det beslutningsdygtige, retningsbaserede og det relationelle og åbne. Og det virkelig fede er, at de to overordnede evner ikke nødvendigvis er kønsbestemte. Tværtimod. Det er menneskelige egenskaber, som alle kan dyrke og blive dygtigere til. Så i virkeligheden handler det bare om at komme i gang med at øve sig på det, man ikke er så dygtig til. Og jeg ved godt, hvad der er min største udfordring. Heldigvis har jeg tre drenge jeg kan øve mig heftigt på!

Kronik bragt i Jyllandsposten 23.9.18


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