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november 14

Ville du gøre det overfor din mor?

JyllandsPosten

276  kommentarer

Den nye bølge af #MeToo har sat gang i en redefinering af maskuliniteten og hurra for det! Det sætter nemlig både mændene og kvinderne fri. Men vi savner de helt almindelige ordentlige mænds stemme i debatten, for at lande kulturen et mere balanceret sted.

Virginity rocks!

Den unge mand står med svedigt hår efter træningen og er lige trukket i en lyseblå sweatshirt med den tekst på.

”Sejt!”, tænker jeg. For der er nok ikke mange unge mænd, der ville reklamere for, at han er jomfru. Først senere slår det mig, at teksten også kan forstås anderledes: At han kun er til piger, der er jomfruer, og pludselig bliver sweatshirten en sørgelig gravsten over en mandekultur, der heldigvis er på vej i døden. Endnu senere tjekker jeg sloganet og finder ud af, at youtuberen Danny Duncan står bag, og at han faktisk helt legit går ind for seksuel afholdenhed og i øvrigt også tager afstand fra stoffer.

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Man skal være mere end almindelig privilegieblind, hvis man ikke har opdaget, at maskuliniteten er i gang med en større reform. Den nye bølge af #MeToo sætter heldigvis spot på den ulyksalige triade af blafrende narcissister, voldsomt vildfarne og rene røvhuller af mennesker, hvor især sidstnævnte behandler andre som var de en spotvare i Netto, der kan forbruges efter forgodtbefindende. Og som bagefter klager over, at varen ikke holder mund om overgrebet. Eller synes det er synd for dem selv, fordi de finder det uretfærdigt, at de ikke må befamle, slikke eller bide lidt i varerne, og så levere dem tilbage med et glad smil.

Sexisme og sex-chikane bølgen har mest været præget af mandlige skurke og kvindelige ofre, selvom mandlige ofre og kvindelige skurke også er begyndt at figurere i fortællingerne. Uanset den voldsomme slagside rent kønsmæssigt, handler det basalt set om, at vi skaber et samfund, hvor almindelig respekt og anstændighed overfor sin næste er normen. Uagtet køn, alder, erfaring, stilling osv. Og hvor offeret aldrig er ramt af et ensomt tabu, og derfor står alene tilbage i sin isolation og skam, mens skurken går skamløst fri.

Som mor til tre sønner i alderen 18, 20 og 25 er jeg både lykkelig og afventende overfor udviklingen. Lykkelig fordi opgøret med en grundlæggende menneskefjendsk opførsel og kultur naturligvis også sætter mændene fri. De mænd der opfører sig hverdagsagtigt anstændigt – hvilket udgør langt størstedelen af mændene. Når en ”rigtig mand” ikke længere forventes at have lyst til at knalde alt med puls, kunne drikke sig fra sans og samling, gå efter magten uanset omkostninger og misbruge den til egen vinding, så bliver en ”rigtig mand” lige pludselig til et helt almindeligt ansvarligt og næstekærligt menneske. Igen: Som de fleste mænd jo er.

Det er derfor, jeg også er afventede.

For de mænd, der i denne tid fylder mest i medierne, er desværre nemlig triaden af narcissisterne, de vildfarne og røvhullerne. Og det gør, at de almindelige, gode, respektfulde, ansvarlige og kærlige mænd holder sig tilbage for at deltage i debatten af skræk for pludselig at få vendt den anklagende finger mod dem selv. Mine tre sønner er alle på vej ind i deres voksenliv, og har derfor mere end nogensinde brug for gode forbilleder på en sund, voksen maskulinitet i balance. Derfor ville det være så godt, hvis mange flere gode mænd bidrog til debatten, så både de unge mænd og kvinder fik noget positivt at pejle efter.

Kultur skabes gennem adfærd, og det har især været tilgangen til både debatten, og hvordan kontakten skal ske til andre mennesker, der har været i fokus. Mht at indgå i debatten, er hverken afvisning af debatten eller konfliktskyhed overfor den, vejen frem. Derimod er nysgerrighed en brugbar intention at nærme sig emnet med, både ift hannernes og hunnernes oplevelse, samt nysgerrighed på at finde nye løsninger til gamle problemer.

Mht hvordan kontakten med andre bedst orkestreres, især ift sex-chikane risikoen, er der tre spørgsmål, der kan lede adfærden, så vi alle kan være sammen på en levende måde, uden at nogen føler sig truet. Sex-chikane handler om misbrug af magt og uønsket seksuel opmærksomhed, og er svaret nej til et, to eller alle tre følgende spørgsmål, er det ret enkelt: Så skal heller ingen arbejdsmæssig relation udsættes for adfærden:

  1. Ville jeg gøre det overfor min (mandlige) chef? Krænkere misbruger typisk deres magt nedad i systemet, og manipulerer opad.
  2. Ville jeg gøre det overfor min bedste ven, der ikke er min elsker? Et godt venskab er baseret på frivillig og gensidig sympati, ligeværd og respekt.
  3. Ville jeg gøre dette overfor min mor? I denne relation tager man både magt og seksualitetsaspektet ud af situationen (i de fleste familier i hvert fald!). Uanset forholdets karakter, er det de færreste der vil putte deres tunge i hendes øre eller lægge en hånd på hendes lår og klemme frækt til. Får man kvalme ved tanken? Super! Mor-billedet er en glimrende social antabus-pille at tage, hvis der er tvivl om ens opførsel er chikane-sikker eller ej.

Vi har en enestående mulighed for at redefinere vores kultur, nu hvor så meget allerede er i skred og forandring. Skurkene skulle frem, så kulturen kan ændres, men de skal ikke have lov til at dominere billedet af, hvad en mand er i dag. Derfor har vi brug for at alle jer andre mænd deler jeres oplevelser, følelser, tanker og drømme om det menneske, I allerede er, og det samfund I gerne vil være med til at skabe. Kun sådan kan vi få en balanceret og levende fremtid sammen.

Af Emilia van Hauen, kultursociolog, forfatter, foredragsholder.

Bragt i Jyllandsposten d. 15/11 2020

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