august 18

JP: Fraskilte er stadig en social minoritet

302  kommentarer

Et af de mest smertefulde øjeblikke i mit liv er dengang min yngste søn kiggede på mig med sine blå øjne, der pludselig changerede over i det sorte, mens vreden og uskylden bølgede henover hans dunede ansigt, da han udbrød: ”Det er en joke….ikke?!”

Hele familien sad der rundt om spisebordet, og det føltes ikke længere, som om vinteren kun var udenfor, for i det øjeblik opløste vi familien, som den altid havde været, og fra nu af ville børnene få to hjem. Et hos deres mor. Og et hos deres far.

Jo, det gør afsindigt ondt at blive skilt. Især når der er børn med i ægteskabet, for de synes sjældent, at det er den bedste løsning. Men med tiden er det blevet mere og mere tydeligt for mig, at den smerte, som både børn og voksne gennemgår, er langt større, end den behøver at være. Problemet er nemlig, at vi stadig dyrker en samfundskultur med et klart statushierarki når det gælder familiekonstellationer, og hvor det uden nogen tvivl er kernefamilien i uskilte hjem, der har den højeste rang. Og på den måde bliver skilsmissebørn og fraskilte voksne på næsten subtil vis påduttet en skam og en fiaskofølelse, som de ikke nødvendigvis selv føler – men som omverden ofte giver udtryk for, at de forventes at føle.

Hvilket derfor blot tilfører en ydre frustration til den personlige smerte og det gør jo ikke situationens helhed bedre. Tværtimod. Og som barn ved man ikke engang, hvad man egentlig bliver ramt af; man kan bare mærke, at nu er man lidt forkert, lidt forfejlet, lidt udenfor, selvom man jo ikke selv har gjort noget anderledes. Og man stadig har begge sine forældre. Og mange andre børn er i præcis samme situation!

At blive mødt med den forventning om skamfuldhed og fiasko er vildt frustrerende, hvis det samtidig ikke er en følelse, man selv bærer på. Det er faktisk også nedværdigende, fordi den på sær formynderisk vis giver udtryk for, at de ”aldrig fraskilte” er de rigtigste, for de bliver jo aldrig rigtig mødt med et lille vip med hovedet på skrå og et blegt sympatismil.

Se, jeg troede faktisk ikke, at denne besynderlige gammeldags diskrimination fandtes, for ikke i min vildeste fantasi kunne jeg tænke mig, at vi i 2014 stadig kunne handle og tænke sådan. Blandt andet fordi vi her taler om over 40 procent af befolkningen, der derfor hverken er en statistisk minoritet eller en lille eksotisk subkultur, som man kan sparke til hjørne som uvæsentlig. Men da jeg selv blev skilt, åbnede en ny social verden sig for mig, og jeg må blot konstatere, at den ved selvsyn også består af denne ikke særligt tolerante, for slet ikke at sige moderne farve.

Det giver sig udslag på de mærkeligste måder. Fx når jeg i diverse formularer skal afkrydse min civilstand. Jeg kan oftest vælge mellem: Enlig. Gift. Fraskilt. Og da jeg i den henseende jo er at betragte som fraskilt, må jeg helt paradoksalt krydse en ikke-status af. Jeg defineres altså efter noget jeg har været engang, men som jeg nu ikke er længere, og alligevel er den stadig det mest betydende ved mig. Hvad gør det mig så til: En negation? En negativ eksistens?

Ikke besynderligt, at mange fraskilte kan føle sig lidt forkerte. Noget helt andet er, hvorfor vi overhovedet dyrker de kategorier længere?! Rent skatteteknisk, tilskuds- og boligmæssigt kan det sikkert være hensigtsmæssigt at vide, om man er gift eller har børn under 18, men alle andre civilstandsspørgsmål er i virkeligheden en krænkelse af vores privatliv.

Denne diminuering af fraskilte er et problem, fordi vi rent teknisk er en meget betydende gruppe af mennesker med nogle særlige erfaringer og til tider også særlige behov, som derfor har en klar indflydelse på vores kultur og samfundsmæssige værdisæt. Men som altså bliver set som mindreværd. Og især som et problem. Hvilket alt for ofte medfører artikler, statistikker og undersøgelser, der har et ensidigt negativt fokus på skilsmissens konsekvenser, hvilket nærværende dagblad selv lige har excelleret i.

Fx blev det fremhævet, at en skilsmisse fordobler risikoen for, at børnene ikke får en uddannelse. Udgangspunktet er børn, der blev født i 1980. Ifølge seniorforsker Mai Heide Ottosen, skyldes det bla. at skilsmisseforældre har mindre tid til at hjælpe deres børn med skolearbejdet, fordi der jo er en voksen mindre i ressourcer. Det lyder logisk og passer naturligvis i flere tilfælde.

Men i mange andre tilfælde viser det sig, at skilsmisseforældre faktisk er langt mere nærværende og har mere tid til at være sammen med deres børn, end når de er gift. Et af de tilbagevendende mysterier for skilsmisseforældre er nemlig, at selvom man nu er en, hvor man før var to, til det samme antal børn, så har man faktisk mere tid og overskud til dem, når man er alene. Fordi man ikke skal give en partner opmærksomhed. Og måske ej heller kæmpe om måden at være sammen med børnene på.

Som kultursociolog bruger jeg selv mange undersøgelser og fordyber mig jævnligt i statistisk materiale. Hvorfor jeg også er opmærksom på, hvor meget man har mulighed for at manipulere med resultaterne. Alene gennem spørgsmålenes formulering. Og hvilket udgangspunkt man spørger ud fra.

Meget har ændret sig i det sociale liv siden 1980 og jeg mener, at det er på høje tid, at vi begynder at anskue skilsmisser ud fra både dens negative OG positive konsekvenser!

Kort sagt har vi som samfund en klar opgave i at få et nuanceret og mere realistisk billede på en social livsform, som over en tredjedel af børnene vokser op i. Og sådan at man som minimum kan befri dem fra den unødvendige skam og indirekte følelse af at være medlem af en fiaskoramt enhed, som de måske ikke selv oplever, men som de tydeligt mærker, at omverden tænker om dem.

Ja, skilsmisser medfører i mange tilfælde massive problemer og det skal man på ingen måde underkende! Men det betyder ikke, at skilsmisse altid er det dårligste valg. Eller at ægteskabet er det bedste. Og det er denne nuancerede og nysgerrige tilgang til en social livssituation, som jeg efterlyser at vi som samfund skal få. Til fordel for alle parter. Også samfundet!

Bragt i Jyllandsposten 25.7.14 


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