februar 25

Femina: Jeg er overflødig

208  kommentarer

Fra starten af har jeg vidst, at dette ville ske. Fuldstændig uvægerligt. Jeg har vidst, at det skal ske, hvis det går godt. Og godt er det gået. For nu er det sket.

Vi stod lige sammen og grinede af noget, der var fjollet, sjovt, let, og så kigger jeg op på den dreng, som i 13 år ellers har været min lille dreng, og det går op for mig, at det ikke er første gang, at jeg kigger op på ham, og jeg ved ikke, hvorfor det er lige nu, at jeg opdager, at jeg kigger op, men lige i det sekund, hvor jeg opdager, at det er sådan det er, sprækker mit hjerte. Op åbner sig en bundløs kløft af sorg, som aldrig vil kunne fyldes ud af den stolthed og glæde og beundring jeg også føler, og mit indre landskab har ændret sig for evigt. En ny topografi med uventede skarpe tinder af meninger og tågede søer af hemmelige følelser opstår i mit børneland; meninger, der tager afstand fra mig, og følelser, som jeg slet ikke får adgang til længere. I det land, hvor jeg ellers var hans vigtigste gæst.

Han er på vej væk fra mig.

Og han kommer aldrig nogensinde tilbage til mig på den måde, som ellers altid har været den måde, vi har været sammen på. Delt liv på. Og han er bare den sidste i rækken. De to andre er allerede videre og flere kommer der ikke. Det ved jeg. Alene den tanke driver som et panisk spøgelse indover den nye kløft af sorg og forladthed, og jeg når at tænke, selvom jeg ikke vil, om det nu alligevel er for sent med bare én mere, for aldrig mere skal jeg ellers gemme næsen i hans nakke og drukne mig i hans barneduft og mærke hans fuldstændig betingelsesløse hengivelse, og aldrig mere skal jeg være den, som han smider alt for, for at løbe mig i møde, mens han råber moooooor!! og stråler over hele ansigtet.

Nu er jeg i stedet en mor, der er mindre end alle mine børn.

Og som pludselig en lørdag aften finder ud af, at jeg er alene tilbage, fordi de har aftaler med deres venner. Andre steder. Den lørdag aften havde jeg ellers sagt nej til invitationer, for jeg ville naturligvis være hjemme i de uger, hvor mine drenge er hos mig. Naturligvis. I stedet står stuen stille hen og en ny fremmed form for ensomhed slynger sig om fødderne på mig og kryber langsomt opad opad opad, til den trækker sig sammen om åndedrættet på mig og jeg tænker, at helt formørke mit sind, skal den ikke, for sådan er livets gang. Da en sms tikker ind.

Fra ham. Med hjerter i.

Ensomheden slipper sit tag og trækker sig tilbage til sit mørke, jeg smiler fjantet og bevæger mig igen, ud på badeværelset for at gøre mig klar til den middag, jeg havde sagt nej til, og derude falder jeg næsten tilfældigt over mit eget spejlbillede, da jeg mekanisk lægger linjer på øjnene. De er stadig mest triste. Men bagved tindrer en ny nysgerrighed.

Ja, jeg savner at mærke hans lille hånd gribe min, åh ja, hvor jeg savner at tage ham på skødet og kilde ham til hans latter griner alt lyst og let, men for helvede hvor er jeg også bare stolt og glad og begejstret og henrykt og jublende over, at han er ved at indtage verden på sin helt egen måde og bidrager til den, med sit helt eget.

Ja, jeg er ved at miste ham og hans brødre. Men der sker præcis det, der skal ske. At jeg er på vej til at blive overflødig. Det er det bedste en forælder kan stræbe efter at være. For er man først overflødig, er man lykkedes med sin opgave. Så har man været med til at skabe et menneske, der kan tage vare på sig selv og bidrage til verden på sin helt egen måde. Og større gave end det, findes ikke. Men ligegyldig…det håber jeg til gengæld aldrig, at jeg bliver! 

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