februar 4

Det længste break-up

279  kommentarer

900 meter. Så langt væk har min søn nu fået sit nye hjem. Sit eget. 

Første gang han nærmest i en bisætning nævnte, at han nok havde fået en lejlighed og ville flytte en måned senere, blev oplysningen kun oppe i hovedet og gjorde derfor ikke ondt. For den var jo langt far planerne om, at han måske eventuelt skulle flytte til sommer. Og det gav mig en masse tid til at suge det sidste af hans nærvær ind og fylde mig med det. Plus alle hans irriterende vaner og rod og hans tømmen af køleskabet, som forhåbentlig ville være det strejf af lettelse, der ville dæmpe smerten ved at miste ham i vores fælles rum.

Men et par dage senere sivede hans ord, som iskolde syletynde tråde af gift, endelig fra hjernen og ned i hjertet – og så gik jeg i panik på forhånd. Mærkede savnet, smerten, forladtheden så lammende, at jeg dårligt kunne trække vejret. Mens han altså stadig hang inde på sit værelse. Og ikke havde så meget som skyggen af en flyttekasse stående.

Og det slog mig, at den dynamik, man uundgåeligt oplever som mor, må være den barskeste af alle. 

Natten i november for 19 år siden, hvor han kom til verden, var det største mirakel i mit liv. Mens månen bevægede sig over himlen, lå jeg i en hospitalsseng med andre på stuen, men hørte kun hans spæde åndedrag, der sang sig direkte ind i mine øregange, hvor samtlige fimrehår for altid blev kodet til at reagere på hans stemme, mens jeg i en uendelighed af kys på hans fedtede isse med den fremmede duft af fosterfedt, forstod, at nu var han her. For evigt. I mit liv. Og at ham, ham ville jeg aldrig aldrig aldrig nogensinde slippe igen. Så de næste mange år forbandt vi os mere og mere, vævede flere og flere forbindelser, viklede os dybere ind i hinanden og jeg elskede det, og jeg elskede ham med en ubønhørlighed, jeg ikke anede, at jeg ejede. 

Men så en dag, løb han mig ikke mere i møde. En dag ville han hellere blive og lege med sin ven end at tage med mig hjem. En dag gad han ikke længere gå med mig i biffen, men ville hellere bare have pengene og gå med en anden. En dag himlede han med øjnene og grinede ad mig, fordi han syntes jeg var åndsvag at høre på. Og han vidste ikke, han kunne ikke ane, hvor ondt det gjorde. Hvordan det høvlede de fineste strimler af mit hjerte, og hvordan jeg med venners hjælp, hver gang fik flettet de strimler sammen til et lille hjerte, jeg kunne hænge på det indre træ, der var hans, og som var blevet plantet i mig, den nat han blev født. Hvad han ved, er, at han gør mig stolt og glad på hans vegne over, at han er blevet så fint og helt et menneske. Og at det var det helt rigtige, at han flyttede, da han gjorde det.

Men uanset hvor rigtig flytningen end er, uanset hvor glad og stolt og lykkelig jeg er over, at han er nået hertil i sit liv, så er dynamikken knusende. For det at få en søn, er først en episk kærlighedshistorie, og siden et langt break-up, der aldrig stopper. Ikke fordi man for hver dag kommer længere og længere væk fra hinanden. Men fordi jeg endnu ikke har mødt en mor, der ikke savner den tid, hvor man var den ufortyndede genstand for sønnens kærlighed. Længslen er heldigvis helt utopisk, for først skal han gå til sin egen kvinde og siden også til sine egne børn. Og at det sker, er tegnet på, at man rent faktisk er lykkedes som mor. Så alt er præcis, som det skal være! Jeg længes bare stadig efter dengang, hvor han også syntes det var skønt, at jeg begravede næsen i hans hår og kyssede ham til latter…

Bragt i Femina d. 30.01.2020


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